Motherhood Blues

After a couple of crying episodes at the hospital, at home after Desmond was born, and when we found out that he had a brain bleed, I knew the tears will come again.

Once in a while tears will fall as I think of Desmond and his motor development. My precious precious baby is slowly trying to catch up to his height, weight and especially his walking and fine motor on his left hand. I am not made of stone and my heart constantly breaks when I see younger kids doing the things Desmond should be doing now. Worse still, are the pitiful stares I see other people (mostly mothers) give Des. Those tears were small but they did come.

But after over a year, a real breakdown happened to me the other night in bed. When at 1am in the morning I couldn’t help but cry and think of how Des is going to be at school. I cried because I can’t be there for Des all the time. To protect him from hurtful words, stares and assumptions. I cried and cried the other night until I knew my eyes were going to be like puffballs the next morning. Nick hugged me and told me that everything is going to be ok. That Des is going to be ok. That God will watch over him and protect him. He will keep him strong, courageous, confident and secure. We prayed together. But I still cried myself to sleep.

I know that Desmond will walk. I know he’s a smart boy. It’s just that I love him so much that I don’t want him to get hurt. But it will happen eventually. Just like in our lives, we’ve been hurt, we know how it feels and we’re still alive right? We’re still here. All I can do is to help raise him to be strong and courageous. To be a man of God. To be a man of respect.

With his motor skills. I will do all that I can to help him along with his therapists.  But he will need that courage to take that first step of independence. I don’t know when but I know it will happen eventually. It will take time, but tears don’t wait for time. The tears will keep flowing but so will my love for my son. Only, my love is greater than tears.